my letter and that of my doctor are in an envelope to be sent to EXIT Suisse romande tomorrow. i truly hope that my request for assisted suicide will be accepted and then, the approval will be valid for one year. i will have my magic button to depart where i to need it.
seems like good news, but i feel utterly alone.
my heart is not light.
i can't tell my dad or my brother because it seems i have to wait until i get approved to.
maybe tell them.
i am trapped in my mind (as usual).
and my tinnitus is going up (of course).
i am reading a book by Jean Mahler whose daughter chose EXIT and who was diagnosed with lung and brain cancer himself in 2022. he says he will consider EXIT when his quality of life goes down. i do not know if he is still alive. in his book, he seems so peaceful and his life seems very different from mine. is it?
i am not peaceful.
i am afraid EXIT will reject my request.
i am afraid of a situation where my tinnitus goes to the roofs and i don't have my magic button to depart.
this fear suffocates me right now.
ironically, i know that tinnitus goes down with social nourishment but i am failing over and over at providing myself with sustainable social nourishment.
or better said, the system fails me.
why can't i face this and my death with peace?
i can't because as a human being i profoundly feel my human nature in that it does not exist without human interconnectedness.
and i am in limbo, shy to say that i am waiting for feeling human and in situations where i can give some of my unconscious deep soul teachings.
something here should be an art project.
the envelope
postcard i am sending to my doctor to let him know the envolope is gone.