skin

i report weeks of struggle with my skin. it can't find its balance anymore and this means that i constantly vibrate between the desire to die, terror, and efforts to access my own spiritual beauty. sometimes i can see my beauty, my male energy, my desire to give my teachings, but mostly, i am in a limbo where trust has been cut in pieces and where loneliness is getting unbearable.

red here, red there. bites or skin irritations or dermatitis or? unless i am in the horror scenario of an infestation (my reason says no), this skin situation is a manifestation of my inability to find my integrity again after a long series of more or less ugly incisions and rejections. 

in other words, i have no safe human connection here and outside of therapy and i am simply slowly dying. 

my skin is showing that i am both giving up and rebelling.
 
it must seem ridiculous from outside: how can this human being be stuck with red spots in his skin while the world is going to chaos, war, far-right violence and its construction of a new and dark reality for us. 

well, i am this human being and i am ashamed. 

yes, i am the only one who can "save" my soul. 

but no.

the terror to exist is something we share.

i seem to howl to be allowed to join a safe spot.