there are several experimental observations from our universe that cannot be explained unless we bring in new concepts in our theoretical understandings. i am talking here about the universe as we measure it now, with our currently available instruments, among that those detecting visible light, x-rays, radio and gravitational waves. here are some of the new ideas brought in by astronomers, cosmologists, particule physicists. some believe that gravity follows modified rules at large scales (MOND, TeVeS and entropic gravity theories). others have introduced the idea that our universe contains matter that is not detected by our instruments. among these scientists, some have tried to prove that this unseen matter was similar to the matter we can see, but simply not easily detectable, but this theory has faded as the attempts to prove it failed. others are suggesting that this "dark" matter is made of black holes, i.e. super distorted gravitating spacetime, and this theory is gaining traction. and then, there is another vision that a lot of physicists love and work night and day on, by which dark matter and dark energy are very new and different. dark matter would be made of new particles, with rather boring names (all chosen by white men): WIMPs, MACHOs, axions, axion-like particles, neutrinos,  etc.

if dark matter and energy exist, then, 95% of our universe is something we do not know yet. 95% unknown.

pause: the adjective "dark" to represent this extra matter we do not see is very unfortunate. first, that matter is not black. it is invisible. second, "dark" refers to the skin color of oppressed groups and thus associates the qualities of this matter - unknown, mysterious, escaping, massive, influential - with these groups while in fact, these qualities are not theirs.

95% unknown. that's a lot. 

i am also 95% in the pure unknown when i try to make sense of my feeling of being stuck in what we call a streak of bad luck. me me me stuck in bad luck. poor me. yes, it is painful and i rebel and i search and search and search for. for what? explanations, help. for something that will get me out. out of what? 

but no, i do not be believe that i am the victim of some kind of machination or punished by a god or forced to expiate some bad things my soul did while in other lives.  no. i am in this universe. one blob. maybe several blobs. blobs of. blobs of something. stretched concepts that create narratives to maybe appease my mind.

prologue. i suffer from sound overstimulation. my brain regularly deconstructs, leaving me unable to think and sometimes to stand up. result? erasure. invisibility. 95% different from others. alienation. 95% unknown. 95% despair. where do i go? i am not joking.

story. last week, i was 3h30 away to escape for a few days the intensity of the noise around my place. mini studio in a nice renovated garage. water heated with solar panels. offered by an old very rational friend whom i have had some difficulty to re-connect with but recently heard me when i explained my perception of sound and noises and the debilitating noise generated on the nearby construction site. she opened her space to me while on her vacation. in the middle of a city that is surrounded by small mountains. the mountains are grounding. it rains. silence. sometimes thunder. rain. maybe there is a tiny piece of peace. pellets' furnace. it makes this clock noise whenever pellets fall into the furnace and it is incredibly ridiculous. who designed that thing. but, i do not care. i won't need it a lot. and i have control over it.

next day. visit by a young deaf artist who uses earing aids. we speak about sound, noise, vibrations, disorientation, overstimulation, drawings, sketching.

for the first time in more than one year, i connect deeply with somebody whose aesthetics and philosophy of life are similar to mine and who is curious about my life journey. this feels so rare and precious and i get a teaching about my usual environment at the moment.

next day. the closest neighbor, who is a disabled person, has workers on his roof and they are installing solar panels on 3 sides of the roof. piercing drilling through tiles that shakes one of my walls. wow, i will have to leave. again. from here. i have trouble not to cry. my mind thought i was on a silent vacation. i have trouble not to let my mind go into trauma. add lawn mowers, leaf blowers, bush cutters, every day. private land, public lands. 

wednesday, i act to keep safe in my mind. i walk to the grocery store that has more of what i need. 45 minutes walk. along a river and a highway. i use tick-repellent and a scarf. i am not at peace. mind in survival. i know. i meditate. i chant. i try. i have almost no space for hope inside. when my bones align a bit more in my head, i get a wave of trauma land and a mix of fear and rage. it is like a new dark reddish color invading my brain. i breathe. i keep standing avoiding the suicidal thoughts. i try to hold the rage and the loss with breath. i try to break the rage in pieces. it works a tiny bit. maybe there is a certain illusion of more peace. 5:30pm. i go back with the belief that i will find quietness. 6pm: outdoors music rehearsal at 1 minute walk form my place. 8-10pm: bad jazz music concert 3 minutes walk away from my place. it is not too loud.

more tricks. i am not in a war zone. i should be able to take distance, feel my privilege. i am too barebones however to stand that toll. i am too broken. i need peace to reconstruct. i put ear plugs. i go to bed. hope should be banned. let the black holes suck up hope. fine. do i have to listen to people who say that if i am negative i will attract negative? no, this is neo-liberalism and individualism infused by unethical deviations from buddhist philosophy. i have the right to feel shaken by all this noise. i have the right to be broken. i have the right to not have the grace to keep elegant through this. i have the right to refuse "spiritual bypasses". let the black holes suck up hope. closer to death. surrender to that.

friday morning. there is a house in renovation not far. painters have been around every day. nice quiet, slow, beautiful work. cream-beige color. today, cement drill. another piercing event. public lawn mowing 50 meters away. i take my sound recorder, my new earphones. they are sophisticated earphones with wings of plastic that function as ear plugs too. feels right. i record the noises. good. then, i leave for another walk. tick repellent, scarf.

friday evening. very dark sky. some gun shots from soldiers rehearsing on fridays. yes, ok. ok. ridiculous politically and more, but i keep safe. ok. beautiful thunderstorm. rain covers other sounds. did i say that already? less machines at work. non-stop thunder for about one hour. i enjoy it. my sound recorder can hear the rain and the hail but not the thunder. interesting. end of storm. and then pouff. electricity goes. the house owners are wonderful. they find out that the basement of their house has water and that water must have entered through the electrical panel. they say they will clean up the water and wait until the next day to try to restart the system. still they try to restart it at my place and it goes up. they stop it again because they are afraid of shortcuts and of fires. i go to bed. body-nervous, mind controlled. almost safe. next morning. electricity comes back around 8am. for me and half their house.

saturday: back home. water pumps on the construction site are less noisy. less "ouhh""ouhh""ouhh""ouhh""ouhh". until i can't open the windows without hearing them. ok. i repress the rage. down in my belly. fuck. me me me. no access to my basic needs? is this self-pity or search for justice? two days later. construction has started. not as noisy as before i left, still new noises all the time, heat, high air pressure, tinnitus and outside sounds mix. deep deep panic almost constantly. pelvis feels icy and threatened. something is overstimulating me all the time. what is going on? 

epilogue.

no universe, i can't manage this. too much "information" coming, too much work to stay alive, too much to navigate inbetween, through, with, against, for, but. too many worries about spiralling down to a state where i would be sent to a mental health hospital. this is too much. still i 100% refuse to be pathologized. i am not abnormal or sick. no.

if we pathologize me to erase the words that come out of this mind of mine, it is exactly like one of the erasures i experience as a trans and disabled person. simply another erasure. if we take my words seriously, they have meaning.

meaning.

switzerland, get together, there is too much noise pollution. people with other abilities and sensibilities get sick, ostracized, internalized, criminalized. maybe they end up dead.

meaning. 

i spread meaning at the municipal level, on the construction site with managers and workers. i am listened to. tiny efforts here. but mostly i am muzzled.

nothing changes. 

why?

95% dark.

what could appease my mind?

dark matter?

dark matter is supposed to be silent.

but our early universe was apparently very noisy. when it was a very hot electrically charged plasma, a primordial hum about 47 octaves lower than the bottom note on a piano was spreading, generated from a tug of war between ancient and fundamental forces. gravity was pulling particles together, but the heat in the soup generated photon radiation pressure that was pushing everything outwards again. light was trapped in the soup. particles oscillated. sound waves propagated affecting the distribution of matter, the distribution of our galaxies. these sound waves are called Baryonic Acoustic Oscillations (BAOs).

here, you can listen to a simulation of BAOs transposed at frequencies we can hear. 

then, at some point, things cooled down and protons and electrons could pair up. the plasma disappeared. light started to travel. the universe fell silent. still, these BAOs are reaching us now, their frequencies depending on when they were generated and how much the universe has expanded since.

maybe gregoire, your blob is made so that its absorption of BAOs harmonize with audible sounds and you oscillate more than others. bones, heart, nervous system. 
 
i might edit this text later.