october 31, 2024. gregoire ausgraben is overwhelmed. débordé. too much: too much noise around, still. 8 cranes, excavators, cement mixers, concrete vibrators, lawn moving tractors, military F18 and F35 and private planes, wood sawing machines, etc. noise inside: tinnitus and a pile of worries for my parents and my health and future. he feels stuck, i feel stuck. nothing resolves. my multiverse has collapsed into a labyrinth. last night, i dreamt all my identity papers, my computer, my phone were stolen and i was screaming but nobody was hearing my screams. i was nothing. my internal hole seems endless. i met a horse a few months ago and he taught me extremely basic things. he taught me that feeling connected creates a feedback loop that increases energy. giving gives. receive receives. i had never experienced that before. maybe it was unconditional love. still, my being is so constructed without that type of love that i am not integrating the teaching. for my own sake, i blame noise and stress. i blame my rage against this country. i should draw. but an oil tank truck arrived and it makes noise. the last time my brain got fucked up with noise, my perception got so enhanced that the river near here was too much for me to be near. i should draw.