living with ear plugs in all day and all night is not an option. living with intensifies my tinnitus and my sensitivity to noise and my propensity to isolate myself. living without is not an option either. 

the construction site police said i should plan to move away, they are going to build 18 new buildings. heavy construction noise from 7am to 5pm. sometimes longer. and then, the metallic music of the never resting water pumps. the developer is planting a long series of buildings in the groundwaters and these have to be drained from the sites 24/7. that can't be environmentally friendly. still, the area is called "Eco-Quartier". what a lie. the pumps look like they are from a long-past century. they suck mixes of water and air that they spit in metallic pipes and then, the pipes sing complaints that resonate all over in the area. 24/7. of course, it is not loud compared to the daily noises. but i can't sleep. as if the land was calling. desperately, over and over. 

i do not have the money to move. 

could there have been a safer option in this big city where i was before and which slowly push me out, from 2017 to 2022?

i yearn with despair that some angel calls me to go back and i find a safe silent spot. where is the collective unconscious that can hear this type of plea? 

i am an adult and should i then accept my life and take responsibility? aren't we social beings? and, tinnitus, fatigue, loneliness, diarrhea, loss of weight, no meaning, pathologization, micro-aggressions every day, transphobia, new challenges every second day. no time to recover. no path. 

what about EXIT then? cold. too much is too much.

well, it seems that i am not ready. how do i know? because i feel pushed towards fire rather than peace. fire. flames. hot. burn. 

but, ashes. spread. earth. quiet.